A Totally Dramatic Bookshelf
by PaperKayak
Summary: All thirty-seven teens from the previous seasons are back to compete for another million dollars. This time, Chris is taking the scholarly route, and every challenge is based on a different book.
1. 1-1: A Prolonged Prologue

The bus hurtled around the corner at a speed no seasoned driver would ever attempt. Of course, the driver wasn't seasoned at all, unless you counted basil and paprika. Chef Hatchet's usual toque blanche had been discarded in favor of a gray driving cap, and the hand gripping the pull-lever as the front tire bounced not-at-all-elegantly onto the curb was bulging with muscles, developed after years of beating eggs and people.

"All right," he grunted as the door squeaked open to reveal of crowd of teens standing on the sidewalk, some panting as they had just scrambled back to avoid having their feet run over. "Get on. Sooner we get moving, sooner I can get back to my Netflix."

No one in the group seemed particularly eager to get into the bus, considering the sort of driving they had just witnessed. However, someone had to be first. A broad-shouldered latino teen with unruly brown hair and a soul patch climbed up the steps. He nodded to Chef, strode confidently down the aisle, and sidled into one of the seats in the very back. On there, Alejandro positioned himself with his back against the window and his legs crossed idly on the seat. Clearly, he wasn't up to sharing.

The next person to board the bus made Chef raise an eyebrow. "They're seriously putting you on the show? Even after, you know, everything?"

"Therapy, eh?" answered the boy in the blue toque and khaki-green hoodie. "Turns out once you stop biting the doc, it can work wonders."

"Sure," Chef muttered. "Fine. But if you start to look even a little green, I'm personally gonna kick you out, you hear? Don't need to be busting my chops saving Chris again anytime soon."

"You got it, eh," Ezekiel replied, shooting Chef a thumbs-up. He made his way to the bus's other rear seat, and smiled and waved at Alejandro, who simply rolled his eyes.

Chef grimaced as, all of a sudden, his eardrums were shattered by a banshee-like shriek. "Oh my _gosh_," one girl squealed as she clambered onto the bus. "Finally, I'm on another season of Total Drama!"

"With your best friend Sadie, of course!" added the girl following her up the steps.

"Of course!" Katie replied. "This is going to be _amazing!_" She took her friend's hands, and they shrieked together. The two girls could have been twins, what with their identical squealing, their pigtails, their matching striped tops and pink shorts. If it weren't for the fact that Sadie was heavyset and pale while Katie was lanky and tanned, anyone would have pronounced them clones.

Chef banged his head against the steering wheel. "If you two don't stop screaming," he growled, "I swear I'll give you a reason to scream." With that, Katie and Sadie giggled and hurried off to take the seat in front of Alejandro.

Next came a beefy boy with curly brown hair, his face lit up by the 3DS in his hands. A blonde girl dressed in all pink tagged along close behind him playfully trying to snatch the game from his hand. "Come on," she crooned, "We can't snuggle if you're already all wrapped up in that game!"

"Just a sec, babe," Sam replied, not looking up. "I'm at the elite four. Can't stop now."

Dakota stuck her lower lip out in a pout. "You're looking better, Dakota," Chef said to her. "You go through therapy, too?"

"I guess you could call it that," she said. "Although there were a lot more needles than what I think is common for therapy." She looked around her. "That's all the cameras you've got up? How are you supposed to get all my good angles?"

"Sit down," Chef grunted curtly. She and Sam went to sit in front of Ezekiel.

A fair-haired, pointy-eared girl in a green sweater and purple tights was next in the bus. "Aw, Chef!" Dawn said. "Your aura is looking positively gray! Are you stressed about something?"

"You mean besides coming back to this insane show and having to drive around a bus full of teens?"

"Oh, right," Dawn replied. "I guess that would do it. Well, nice to see you again!" She bustled away and took the seat in front of Katie and Sadie.

As she left, a blonde girl with a blue bandana on her head and a very short orange skirt climbed aboard. "Chef!" she cried. "I almost didn't recognize you without your little chef hat!"

"No kidding," said the stocky bespectacled girl who climbed up behind her. "Are you still going to be our chef? Because if you're not, that's okay."

"More than okay," Lindsay added with a nod. "Your food isn't exactly good, you know."

"Lindsay!" Beth gasped. "It's not nice to say someone's cooking is bad right in front of them!"

"Oh yeah," Lindsay replied, raising her hand thoughtfully to her lips. "Sorry, Chef."

Chef sighed. "Just take your seats." They left to grab the seat in front of Dawn.

What boarded next looked more like a tangle of limbs than two people. A girl in a blue hoodie had her face firmly pressed against that of a boy in a cowboy hat and a button-up shirt whose buttons had never seen any use. "Geoff!" Bridgette giggled, reaching up to push his face away. "No more! You haven't forgotten Action, have you?"

"Of course I haven't," Geoff replied cheerfully. "But those lips of yours are just so hard to resist,"

"Yours too, sweetheart," Bridgette said, leaning in again.

"Get a room!" Ezekiel shouted from the back of the bus.

Chef nodded. "Or at least take a seat." Bridgette rolled her eyes, but she took Geoff's hand and led him to the seat in front of Lindsay and Beth.

"Woo-hoo!" came a shout from near the door, as a boy in a red jumpsuit and a sweatband raced up the steps and onto the bus. "Total Drama! Guess who's going to win this year, baby!"

"Probably not you," Chef said, "But you're odds will be better if you manage not to hurt yourself on the way to take a seat."

Tyler laughed and gave Chef a hearty slap on the back. "Hey, man, no need to doubt me!" he said cheerfully. He started down the aisle, and promptly tripped on the leg of one of the seats. Chef just shook his head as Tyler scrambled into the seat in front of Sam and Dakota, calling, "I'm okay!"

"Justin!" Chef said as the next contestant entered the bus. "Handsome as ever, I see!"

The chisel-jawed, well-toned Hawaiian boy responded with a dazzling smile. "You expected anything less? Sure, I had to have a bit of cosmetic surgery to fix a few scars acquired back in Action, but otherwise, I always keep myself in perfect shape."

"And here's hoping it stays that way," Chef said with a nod. Justin made his way into the seat in front of Tyler.

Just outside the bus, Chef could hear a bit of commotion. "I told you, Sierra, I don't need it!" snapped an irritated voice. A skinny brunet boy with a gap between his teeth got onto the bus. "Now would you stop trying to-"

"Aw, don't be silly, Cody-Wody!" said a girl with a thick purple braid and a lime-green tube top. She pressed a stuffed emu against Cody's chest. "Everyone likes to take a little naps during a road trip, and I know you like to have Jerry with you while you sleep!"

Sierra pulled the emu and Cody into a group hug. The latter turned to chef and mouthed, _Help me. _Chef just shrugged as Sierra hauled Cody down the aisle into the seat in front of Justin

Next aboard was a skinny, dark-haired boy in a red sweater vest. He climbed the steps and made his way down the aisle with no acknowledgement to Chef. In fact, Noah's eyes didn't even budge from the thick book in his hands, covering half his face as he absorbed whatever contents were engrossing him so. He sat down in front of Bridgette and Geoff, settled himself against the window, and turned the page.

Chef jumped as he heard a sudden manic cackling. He whipped his head toward the door to see a girl with curly orange hair dressed in all green swinging from the top of the doorframe. "_Whee!_ Izzy's here! Izzy in the house! Izzy's gonna have fun on a bus!" She swung off of the door and proceeded to somersault onto the tops of the seats.

A large blond boy followed Izzy, puffing and sweaty. "Izzy!" he cried. "Don't break anything!" He winced as Izzy crashed into a seat. "That includes your bones!"

"Think you can keep your pet under control for the ride?" Chef grunted.

"I'll try my best," Owen replied. He joined Izzy and helped her into an upright position. "Hi Noah!" he said, waving across the aisle as they settled in. Noah lifted his hand in greeting, still not taking his eyes from his book.

Loud stomping feet announced the arrival of the next contestant. A dark-skinned boy in a navy-blue jersey and cargo shorts boarded the bus, hands raised in a victory pose. "_Sha-bam!_" he shouted. "Lightning here to take home the sha-gold! Woo-hoo!"

"Woo-hoo!" Tyler piped up, pumping his fist in the air. He didn't have any idea what he was cheering for, but that boy sure liked to cheer. Lightning raced down the aisle to give him a high five.

"I'm confused," Lindsay said, tilting her head to the side. "Did those two already win something?"

"No, I think they're just happy," Beth answered.

Onto the bus climbed a lanky ginger boy in glasses and a screen tee that, for some reason, bore a picture of a hamburger. He looked about him, and as he did, Noah ducked down behind his book, muttering, "Please sit somewhere else, please sit somewhere else."

"Oh, there you are!" Harold said, waving to Noah. He slid into the seat beside him. "I lost you in the crowd back there when the bus pulled up. So, as I was saying, normally, yes, if you go straight for the wall in _F-Zero X, _you're just going to end up stuck. But I've figured out a way to maneuver so that you get off a half pipe and land on a different section of track, way ahead of the other racers. See-"

Noah slammed his face against the window. "Kill me," he muttered to no one in particular.

Next in was a kid who could be labeled as a "punk" from a mile away, based on everything from his green mohawk to his pierced eyebrow to the skull on his black T-shirt. "Duncan," Chef said, "How the heck did you get out of jail?"

Duncan shrugged. "Chris dropped the charges. Guess having all the contestants back was more important than his precious little 'cottage'."

"Don't let Courtney hear you call it that," said the next person on the bus. A pale girl with short black hair punctuated by dyed blue streaks made her way toward Duncan. "She's still pretty insistent about the terminology. How are you, Chef?"

"Gwen," Chef greeted with a nod. "Think you can keep your little boyfriend out of the penitentiary for one more season?"

Gwen snorted. "I make no promises. Come on, Duncan." The two of them took their seat in front of Noah and the still-babbling Harold.

"G'day all!" called the next contestant, a tall and scrawny boy in a teal T-shirt and blue jeans with a fedora atop his wild hair, as he strode purposefully into the bus. "We all ready for the next bit of adventurin', are we?"

A girl whose dyed-red hair was in little pigtails, accessorized with a huge pink flower, groaned as she joined him. "Manitoba, take that thing off," she said, snatching the fedora from the boy's head. He gasped and shook his head, then grinned at the girl. "Thanks, Zoey," Mike said.

"I thought you lost all your personalities," Gwen commented.

"I did, sort of," Mike said, as he and Zoey eased into the seat in front of her. "I've been digging around to try and find the nice ones again. I've brought Svetlana and Manitoba back to the surface, but Chester and Vito are still M. I. A."

"Long as that Mal guy stays under wraps, I'm happy for you," said Duncan.

Chef turned to watch the next contestant board the bus, this one a chubby girl in a pink jacket and with a big red bow in her hair. "Nice bus, this," she said, examining the railing on the steps. "You know, my great-great-uncle Bertrand invented buses. Yeah, before him, people would just string together a bunch of horses and buggies."

"Yeah, well my great-great-aunt Muriel invented seats," Chef said. "Take one."

Staci looked over to the mostly-filled seats, then smiled and approached Justin. "Hey, handsome," she said, plopping down next to him. "So, you're a model, yeah? My great-grandmother Estelle invented modeling, you know. Yeah, before her, people didn't get paid to be pretty."

Justin sighed and put his head in his hands. "This is going to be a long ride," he grumbled into his palms.

Next in was a decidedly non-feminine girl in a gray hoodie. "Hey, come on!" she called back over her shoulder. "Move it or lose it!"

"Yes, sir!" replied the boy who followed her onto the bus. He had a flattop haircut and wore a whistle around his neck. Once on the bus, he stood at attention and gave Jo a salute.

"And don't call me 'sir'," Jo growled. "For God's sake, I'm not a _boy!_" She left, still fuming, to sit in front of Owen and Izzy.

Chef raised an eyebrow at Brick. "You and Jo?" he said curiously.

Brick shrugged. "What can I say? I like taking orders, and she likes giving them." He went to join Jo in the seat.

The next person to get onto the bus was a freckle-nosed Latina in a purple shirt and khaki-green capris. As she clambered aboard, Chef could see that her face was slightly red, and her hair frazzled. Courtney turned angrily to Chef. "You nearly ran over my foot when you drove onto the curb like that!" she snapped. "I swear, if your driving gets me so much as a bruise, my lawyers will be on you like fleas on a dog!"

"Nice to see you too," Chef replied unflinchingly. "Sit down." Courtney left him in a huff.

Up the steps next came a black-haired, long-faced boy with a hand print on his T-shirt. "'Sup, Chef?" he said, smiling.

"Hello, Trent," Chef replied.

Trent leaned in toward him. "Hey," he said, "Chris told me I wasn't allowed to bring my guitar onto the bus. Was that his policy, or yours?"

"His, but I stand by him. I've got enough noise here without having to listen to 'Wonderwall' on a loop the whole trip."

Trent rolled his eyes. "Fair enough." He took a seat in front of Mike and Zoey.

The bus moved a bit with the weight of the next person onto the bus. An enormous, dark-skinned boy wearing a trenchcoat and an orange baseball cap turned backwards climbed aboard. "How are you, B?" Zoey asked with a wave. B lifted his hand. "Still a man of few words, huh?" Zoey continued. B nodded and sat down across the aisle from Trent.

Chef let out a cough as he was suddenly lost in a sticky cloud of hairspray. The source of the cloud was the next contestant aboard. A heavily-tanned girl whose dark hair was set in enormous curls stood spraying enough of the stuff out of her aerosol can to wipe out a good portion of the ozone layer.

"Must you do that?" Trent said through a cough, trying to wave away the spray.

"Yes," Anne Maria answered. She took a seat in front of him, an unrelenting finger still holding down the nozzle. "Hair like this don't come easy, dollface." Trent coughed again.

"Ugh," groaned the next person climbing onto the bus, this one a grouchy-looking girl in a blue tracksuit, whose unibrow was creased in a scowl. She slid in next to Trent and put a crushing hand onto Anne Maria's shoulder. "Either you stop spraying that crap," she growled. "Or I rip that puffy hair right off your head. Got it?" Anne Maria glared, but she stopped spraying.

The next girl hurried onto the bus, her freshly-regrown hair brushing along her maroon crop top. Her face fell as she looked at the others. "Damn!"she spat. "No empty seats!"

"Sharing is caring," Chef said sarcastically. "Just sit somewhere."

Heather examined the few open spaces. Much to her chagrin, the only spots left were those next to Ezekiel, Dawn, Courtney, B, and Anne Maria. Well, and Alejandro, but his crossed legs were still stubbornly in place on the seat. With a sigh, she sat herself down next to B. "You're the one who doesn't talk much, right?" she asked. B nodded. "Good."

Onto the bus climbed the next contestant. A boy with closely-cropped red hair and wearing a white tank top made his way up the steps. "Where'm I supposed to sit?" he asked Chef, looking around at the crowded seats.

"Hey, over here!" Ezekiel shouted, waving. "You can sit by me, eh!"

Scott sighed, but he walked to the back of the bus and sat down beside Ezekiel. The latter gave him a friendly punch in the arm. "Don't worry, eh," he said. "We homeschool kids gotta stick together."

Scott raised an eyebrow. "I'm not homeschooled."

"How's it going, Chef?" asked the next boy to board, a dark-skinned boy with a thin beard and tight white cap.

"DJ," Chef replied. "How goes life curse-free?"

DJ smiled. "I've been doing great! Haven't hurt a single animal since World Tour. Heck, I haven't even swatted at a fly!" He walked cheerfully down the aisle. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked Dawn.

"Not at all!" Dawn replied.

DJ sat down. "You're the one who reads auras, right?"

Dawn nodded. "If you were wondering," she said, "Yours is a lime-green right now."

"Is that good?"

"It's not bad."

"Then I'll take it," DJ said with a grin.

The next contestant climbed up onto the bus. "Hey, y'all!" said the boisterous black girl, her thick black ponytail bouncing behind her. "What, no one bothered saving me a seat?"

"You can sit by me, Leshawna!" Courtney said, waving and patting the seat beside her.

Leshawna sat down. Courtney turned to her and opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but Leshawna cut her off. "Look, girl," she said. "I've been on this show with you for three seasons, and watched you on another. Don't even think about trying to rope me into an alliance with you. Got it?"

Courtney sat back and crossed her arms. "I was just going to ask how you were doing," she mumbled.

"So I'm the last one on?" asked the next boy aboard, a tiny teen whose glasses were held together at the bridge by scotch tape.

"Looks like it," Chef answered. "Guess you can't be all that choosy 'bout your seat."

Cameron sighed and dropped down into the only seat left, the one beside Anne Maria. Instantly, he choked on the hairspray-filled air around the seat. "Could you-" he gasped, "Could you open a window or something?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Anne Maria said. "Is my hairspray bothering you?"

"Yes, it is."

"Tough."

Chef put his hand back on the pull lever, and was about to close the door, but he was stopped by a leg blocking the way. "Chef!" came the voice of the leg's owner. "You weren't about to forget me, were you?"

"Oh, no," Chef answered dully. "Of course not, Chris."

He opened the door back up to allow the host of the show onto the bus. Chris Mclean hopped aboard, smiling his signature smile, every hair of his stubble perfectly groomed. "Welcome, campers!" he called to the seated teens. "Who's excited to be on the next brand new season of Total Drama?"

Chris was met with silence. "Really?" he groaned. "You can't even humor me a little? Fine, whatever. Anyway, we're trying something special with the theme of this season: Total Drama Bookshelf! Every competition is going to be based on a classic or best-selling work of literature!"

The contestants exchanged baffled glances. "Since when were you a bookworm?" Jo shouted.

"Since when were you literate?" Noah added.

Chris frowned. "Hey, cut me some slack. The network wants their shows to start becoming a little more educational. It was either this or Total Drama: Canadian History."

"You made the right choice," Harold said with a solemn nod.

"Thank you. Now everyone, hang on to your hats, strap in your seatbelts-"

"What seatbelts?" Lindsay asked. "We don't have seatbelts."

"It's an expression," Chris answered, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, get ready, because we're on our way to our very first challenge of Total Drama Bookshelf!"

With that, Chef slammed his foot onto the gas pedal, and the bus barrelled down the street.

* * *

**Remaining Contestants:**

Alejandro, Anne Maria, B, Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cameron, Cody, Courtney, Dakota, Dawn, DJ, Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel, Geoff, Gwen, Harold, Heather, Izzy, Jo, Justin, Katie, Leshawna, Lightning, Lindsay, Mike, Noah, Owen, Sadie, Sam, Scott, Sierra, Staci, Trent, Tyler, Zoey


	2. 1-2: Hay in the Haystack

**Courtney:** _enters the bus's bathroom, humming softly to herself. She looks toward the mirror and frowns. _Seriously? Seriously?! Just once, I'd like to be able to use the bathroom without having to go through a confessional! Ugh!

* * *

Leshawna pulled her legs in toward her chest to allow Courtney to scoot past her and into the window seat. Courtney sat down, crossed her arms, and muttered, "I found the confessional."

"Ah," Leshawna said, glancing to the back of the bus. "Yeah, I kinda figured."

The two girls, and the rest of the passengers, were suddenly thrown forward as the bus came to an abrupt, screeching halt. Several contestants groaned and began rubbing their heads, where they had hit the seat in front of them. "Nice driving, Chef," Heather snapped.

"I'm sorry, do you want to drive this bus?" Chef replied. "I didn't think so."

"All right, all right, cool it you two," Chris said. Somehow, he had managed to remain standing for the entirety of the bus ride, so he didn't need to rise in order to address the seated contestants. "Okay, campers-"

"Why do you still call us that?" Scott asked. "We're not at a camp anymore."

Chris sighed. "Because 'campers' is fewer syllables than 'bus passengers.' Okay? Anyway, we have arrived at the destination of our very first challenge!"

Everyone turned to look out their windows. On the driver's side of the bus, what looked to be a flat, wild field stretched out for miles. On the other was a single large, dilapidated building. "Uh, Chris?" Mike said. "This looks like it's just an old warehouse."

"That's because it _is_ an old warehouse!" Chris said with a smile. "But it's not just any old warehouse; it's an old warehouse filled with loads and loads of books! For today's challenge, each of you will be assigned a different book. You'll have to search through the entire warehouse to try and find your book before everyone else finds theirs."

* * *

**Noah:** I'm amazed to say it, but this is going to be my kind of season. Book-themed challenges? I've been preparing for this since I was three. _He rolls his eyes._ And for this challenge, well, somehow I doubt that people like Justin or Duncan have nearly as much experience as I have in browsing library shelves. This will be a snap.

* * *

"Chef will be handing you each your assigned title," Chris continued. Chef began handing index cards to all the contestants. "Now, for the heck of it, I tried to match each of you with a book that I felt best represented your personality."

"Um, Chris?" Beth asked, raising her hand. "How exactly am I best represented by _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_?"

"And in what universe am I _Green Eggs and Ham_?" demanded Leshawna.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Okay, so _most_ of your books match your personalities. I needed to have a little bit of fun, right? Anyway, the moment that door opens, the race to find your book begins! Ready, set..." Chef opened the door. "Go!"

Instantly, the teens became a stampede, trampling over each other to be the first through the bus's narrow entryway. Heather shoved Cameron to the ground in order to get out first, leaving the small boy as a footmat for the others hurrying by. Somehow, though, everyone managed to get off of the bus with no broken bones. They hurried across an area that looked like it was once a parking lot, but had since become overgrown with grasses and weeds. Those in the front shoved open the heavy front doors, and they all rushed inside. The instant they saw the inside of the warehouse, they froze.

"Is there a problem?" asked Chris, who had silently slipped in and was leaning casually against the doorframe, a malicious grin on his face.

There was, in fact, a problem. The thousands and thousands of books were strewn about the warehouse with no semblance of order. Some were standing on the many shelves housed by the enormous warehouse, but others were strewn across the floor, or were stacked in piles or boxes or piles of boxes. Clearly, these books would not be as easy to sort through as the neatly-alphabetized volumes in a library.

"Well?" Chris said. "Get searching!"

The contestants muttered angrily, some using words that were fortunately to low to be picked up by the censors, but they all set off into the chaos.

"That's right," Chris laughed, "Have fun finding your-" He paused as someone tapped his shoulder. "Yes, Dawn?" he asked.

"I found my book," Dawn replied, handing Chris a copy of Jerry Spinelli's _Stargirl_.

Chris stared at her, open-mouthed. "How did- how- how did you find it so fast?"

Dawn shrugged. "I just looked. And there it was."

"Um, all right then. Just- just go, stand over to the side 'til the others get back, okay?" Dawn nodded and moved to where Chris gestured, then calmly sat down in her signature lotus position. Chris shuddered.

Dawn, it seemed, was the only contestant who had had an easy time with this task. The others were scattered throughout the warehouse, climbing shelves, digging through piles, and complaining to their hearts' content. "This is so stupid," Scott was muttering as he sifted through a stack of books. "_The Adventures of Tom Sawyer._ Where the heck are you, Tom Sawyer?" He sighed. "I thought I hated you back in eighth grade, but this takes the cake."

"Least you've got a real book," came Anne Maria's voice behind him. "Look what that joker assigned me, huh? _A Shore Thing._ That Snooki broad's 'book'. I swear, if I hear youse guys make one more Jersey Shore crack at me, you're getting hairspray in your eyes."

"Oh, don't you whine at me!" Scott snapped. "At least your book's an easy find. I just saw it on that shelf by the stairs."

"Really?" Anne Maria said, breaking into a grin. "Thanks for the tip, dollface!" She hurried off

Scott realized what he'd just done. "No, wait! Don't- urgh!" In frustration, he kicked his stack of books over, an action which he immediately regretted as pain rocketed through his foot. "Son of a-!"

"Hey, Geoff!" Courtney said cheerfully. "Any luck yet?"

Geoff turned away from the bookshelf he'd been perusing to look at Courtney, who stood smiling at him, her hands behind her back. "None," he said. "But on the plus side, I found a couple of bookmarks still in these books. They're kinda pretty. I think I might give them to Bridgette. As a little gift, you know?"

"That's nice," Courtney said, still seeming very uncharacteristically cheerful. "You're searching for _Looking for Alaska, _right?"

"Yeah," Geoff answered slowly, raising an eyebrow. "Why?"

Her smile suddenly becoming decidedly more sinister, Courtney brought her hand to her front. In it she grasped Geoff's book. Geoff's face lit up. "Hey, you found it! Thanks!" He reached out to take it.

"Ah ah ah!" Courtney said, yanking it behind her again out of Geoff's reach. "Not until you help me find _my_ book."

Geoff groaned. "There's always a catch when it comes to you, isn't there? Fine, what's the title?"

"_The Street Lawyer._"

"I should've guessed."

Anne Maria finished spraying her hair for the umpteenth time that day. She let out a bored sigh. "So," she said to Dawn. "Youse sure you don't want me to give youse a new hairstyle? It'll help pass the time."

Dawn cringed and leaned away. "No, thank you, Anne Maria."

The tanned girl shrugged. "Your loss."

"And we have our third-place contestant," Chris announced as Eva came marching up to him. She dropped her book down at the host's feet, then promptly slapped him across the face.

"Ow!" Chris cried, holding a hand to his stinging cheek. "What was that for?"

"_Frankenstein_?" Eva snarled. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah, thought you might get a kick out of that." A vein in Eva's neck throbbed, and she looked ready to hit Chris again. "Look!" he said hastily. "Courtney and Geoff found their books!"

The two of them handed over their finds. "Yep," Courtney said. "Nothing like the power of teamwork, right, Geoff?"

"Teamwork, extortion, what's the difference?" he replied.

"Wassup, Gwen?" Lightning asked.

"Huh?" Gwen said. She looked down from her position halfway up an enormous bookshelf. "Oh, hey Lightning. You made much progress?"

"Sha-yeah!" Lightning said, proudly holding up his book, Chuck Palahniuk's _Fight Club._ "No measly little book can stay hidden from sha-Lightning!"

Gwen rolled her eyes. "That's great. I think I found _Green is the New Red._ If only it was on the very top of this stinkin' shelf..." She grunted as she hoisted herself onto the next shelf up and stretched out her arm. "Still can't reach," she groaned.

"Pshaw!" Lightning said. "You know what your problem is? You're not doing it the sha-Lightning way!"

"Thanks, Lightning, but I think I've-" She was interrupted as lightning yelled, "Sha-Bam!" and slammed into the bookshelf. The structure tilted for a moment, then the shelf tipped over and fell to the ground, bringing Gwen down with it. "Sha-see?" Lightning said. "Now you can reach your book. No need to thank me!"

"I wasn't going to," Gwen groaned, but Lightning had already run off. She began pulling herself up by her elbows, but stopped when two hands wormed their way under her shoulders and pulled her up instead. "Thanks," turning to see B, who had been the one to help her up, standing behind her with Cameron. B gave a little wave of his hand, as if to say, Don't mention it.

Cameron looked her up and down, a worried expression crossing his face. "You're not hurt, are you?" he asked. "That was a pretty loud crash."

Gwen laughed drily. "You're joking, right? I've been a contestant on this show in four different seasons and I'm still alive. A bookshelf isn't going to take me down. And besides," she reached down and plucked up a book from the top shelf, "It actually worked. Do you two have your books, yet?"

"Yep," Cameron said, holding up a paperback copy of _The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime_. "B's a pretty good finder."

"What's your book, B?" Gwen asked. B held up his own book, and Gwen read out the title: "_Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking_. Well, it certainly suits you. Come on, let's get going."

The three of them made their way back to Chris, who at that moment, appeared to be in a heated argument with Izzy. "Look," he said, frustration clear in his tone. "You find the book listed on your card, and that's it, okay? Until you get that-"

"But Izzy found all the rest of the series!" Izzy interrupted enthusiastically, shoving her armload of books toward Chris. "Here, Izzy'd got _The Restaurant at the End of the Universe_; Izzy's got _Life, the Universe, and Everything_; Izzy's got _So Long and Thanks for All the Fish_; and _Mostly Harmless_; and even _And Another Thing_!"

"What's that sixth book, then?" Chris asked, pointing at another paperback poking out from the bottom of her pile.

Izzy dropped all her other books to look. "_The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_... hey!" She grinned. "Look at that! Izzy had it the whole time!"

"Fantastic," Chris said. "Go stand with the others." He turned to Gwen, Cameron, and B. "You got your books? _Just_ your books?" The three of them nodded. "Good, hand them over."

"Say, Chris," came the voice of Alejandro, who was approaching the host, book in hand. "Are the challenges for the season going to be based on the books in this challenge. Interesting choice for my book, by the way," he added as he handed Chris _A Clockwork Orange._

"Are you kidding?" the host replied. "You try coming up with challenges based on books like _A Clockwork Orange_ and _American Psycho_ without sending the network censors into a state of shock."

Alejandro raised an eyebrow. "Who got _American Psycho_?" he asked.

"Out of my way!" came a shout from the shelves. Chris and Alejandro jumped in surprise, and turned to look as Heather ran toward them, a book pressed to her chest, shoving aside any obstacles, which included several stacks of books and a very disgruntled-looking Staci. "Made it!" Heather said triumphantly, handing Chris the book. "And you do realize I'm not American, right?"

"I know," Chris replied. "But besides that, the book fits you to a T."

Staci came up behind Heather, puffing and wheezing. She handed Chris her book, Skinnybones, then turned to Heather. "You know," she said, "My great-great-great-great aunt Marguerite invented politeness. Yeah, you should try it sometime."

"Don't start with me," Heather snapped.

Back in the warehouse's book-strewn hub, Owen was making his way along the walls, finding books in every nook and cranny and then tossing them aside when they weren't the title he was looking for. "_Oliver Twist_," he read out loud as he pulled a book out from behind a pipe. "Nope. _The Essential Calvin and Hobbes._ Nope. _The Devil Wears Prada_."

"Oh!" piped up Dakota, hurrying around the bookshelf she'd been searching. "You found mine!"

"Here you go," Owen said happily, handing it to her. "Man, the books are just all over, aren't they?" He continued along the wall and made his way to a gap which was once a ventilation duct, its cover resting on the floor below it. "There are even books in here!" He looked closer. "Hey, there's mine!"

"Which one?" Dakota asked.

Owen pointed. "_The Omnivore's Dilemma._" He reached his arm through and stretched it toward the books, but found himself hindered when his shoulders stuck in the entrance. "Uh oh," he said. "Uh, Dakota? Do you think you could help me out?"

"You're stuck?"

"Yeah. And hurry, okay? I'm starting to feel claustrophobic, and claustrophobia makes me... you know. Gassy."

Dakota rolled her eyes. "Everything makes you gassy, Owen."

"I know, but-" he cut himself up as his stomach rumbled. "Oh boy," he squeaked, before letting out an enormous belch. The force of it propelled it back, and he popped out of the vent and landed on his posterior. "Okay, looks like I don't fit in there. Hey, Dakota, do you think you could reach it for me?"

Dakota grimaced. "Ew, no thanks! I can't stay picture perfect if I go crawling through air ducts. Especially ones filled with, you know, Owen-smell."

"Oh, all right," Owen sighed. He bit his lip and looked around for someone else to help, and his face brightened up as he saw Noah walking past the shelves, holding a copy of _Flatland_. "Hey, little buddy!" he called. "Could you do me a favor?"

Noah walked over to join Owen and Dakota. "What is it?" he asked.

Owen jabbed his thumb toward the air vent. "My book is in there, and I can't reach it. Think you could crawl in and get it for me?"

Noah peered into the vent, and immediately wrinkled his nose and frowned. "Yeah," he said, "As appealing as it sounds to go crawling around in a moldy, dusty ventilation duct that smells worse than the confessional, I think I'll pass."

"Please, Noah?" Owen whined, folding his hands in front him and shaking them. "Pretty pretty please? As my friend?"

Noah sighed. "Fine, but you owe me." He pulled himself up into the vent. A few moments later, he crawled back out, coated in dust and gasping for breath. "What animal died in there?" he groaned.

"Did you get the book?" Owen asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Noah said, handing it over. "Might want to let it air out for a bit, though."

"Sure thing, little buddy," Owen replied happily, giving Noah a hearty pat on the back that sent the smaller boy to the floor.

"We going to take our books up now, or what?" Dakota asked.

Owen nodded. "Yeah, sure." The three of them began heading back to the entrance, when they heard a loud scream. "What was that?" Owen asked. Noah and Dakota shrugged, and they went back into the books to look for the source of the shriek.

It wasn't hard to find. In an open space between two aisles of bookshelves stood Katie and Sadie, holding their books out in front of themselves, beaming, and screaming like banshees. "Would you two shut the hell up?" said Duncan, as he poked his head around the opposite bookshelf. "What, did one of you see a fricking spider or something?"

They shook their heads at him. "We just noticed my book is _The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants_..." Katie began.

"And mine is _The Second Summer of the Sisterhood_!" Sadie said. "Even our books are BFFFLs!" The two girls grabbed each other's shoulders and began screaming again, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Eeee," Noah joined in sarcastically. "You're both represented by mediocre teen chick-lit. Your parents must be so proud."

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, just cool it with the screaming, got it? It's hard enough to search for a book even without a migraine."

"Must be a pretty new experience for you," Noah commented. "What's your book anyway? _Goodnight Moon_?"

"No," Duncan said, shooting Noah a glare. "It's _In Cold Blood_." He cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"Ooh!" came the squeal of Lindsay as she poked her head up above a shelf. "I think lizards are cold-blooded, right? Is your book about lizards? Sounds interesting! Mine's _Creative Thinking for Dummies_. Not really sure why Chris gave me that title."

"I can't imagine," Noah muttered, rolling his eyes. Owen nudged him, and gestured toward the entrance with his finger, a reminder that they were supposed to be bringing their books back to Chris. They hurried off and handed over the books.

"Say, Chris?" Trent asked as he brought his own book up to the host. "Did you actually read this book? I've just read the blurb, and I don't understand how it's supposed to match my personality."

Chris chuckled as he took Trent's book: _The Rise of Nine_ by Pittacus Lore. "Yeah," Chris said. "I didn't actually know what it's about. I just saw the title and couldn't help myself.

Justin was next to approach him with his find. "You know," he said as he gave Chris the copy of _The Picture of Dorian Gray_, "I'm a little insulted that you attempt to claim my beauty is only skin deep."

"At least he was somewhat subtle with your title, eh?" Ezekiel remarked as he joined the group at the door and relinquished his own book, _Loser_ by Jerry Spinelli. "And I don't plan on losing this year, eh. Zeke's time has come!"

"I'm sure it has," Chris said, condescension dripping off of every syllable. "Hey, look, it's our favorite uber geek? Find your book, Harold?"

"Yes," Harold grunted, dropping _The Star Trek Encyclopedia_ at Chris's feet. "And so you know, not all 'geeks', as you call me, are Trekkies. I myself am much more a connoiseur of the Battlestar Galactica universe, and I think that-"

"That's fascinating, Harold, really it is. Stop talking now."

Back among the books, thirteen campers were still searching for their own titles. Well, twelve were. Sierra seemed much more intent on following Cody around like a puppy than doing any searching. "Not it, not it," Cody muttered as he tossed aside one book after another, none of them _A Separate Peac_e. "Ugh, I can't find- Sierra, please stop sniffing my hair."

"Sorry, Codykins" Sierra said, taking a step back. "I can't help myself. You're hair smells so, oh, Cody-licious! You know what I mean?"

"No, I don't," Cody replied. He looked up as Beth raced passed him with a book in her hand. "Great," he said. "Now Beth's ahead of us, too!" He sighed. "How come you're not bothered by that, Sierra? Aren't you even trying to find yours?"

Sierra laughed. "Of course, silly! In fact, I already found mine, like, an hour ago! _Fangirl_, by Rainbow Rowell. It's in the pile near the water heater."

Cody stared. "What?! Why didn't you grab it?"

"I'd much rather follow you than go stand around with Chris and them," Sierra replied with a shrug. "You just get so cute when you're all agitated like this. But, if it makes you happy, Cody-Wody, I'll help you find yours, too."

"Aw, so romantic," Jo said sarcastically as she approached them. "And revolting. Seriously, Cody, you can't do your own book-hunting? That's just weak."

"Jo!" came Brick's voice behind her.

Jo turned around to face him. "What?" she snapped.

Brick held up a copy of _Born to Run_. "I found your book for you," he said, saluting with his free hand. "Now could you help me find _The Art of War_?"

Jo's face went red as Cody burst out laughing. "What were you saying, Jo?" he asked. "Something about doing your own book-hunting?" He ducked as Jo's book came flying toward his head.

In the meantime, Scott had finally spotted_ Tom Sawyer_ balanced at the very top of a bookshelf. He climbed up shelf by shelf, cursing all the way. When the shelves grew too narrow for him to climb any further, he stretched out his arm as far as he could. His fingertips brushed against the book's cover, and the book toppled forward and fell to the ground. Scott let out another swear and looked down. Fortunately, Sam happened to be passing by beneath him, his DS finally abandoned in favor of the book in which he was now engrossed, Ernest Cline's _Ready Player One_.

"Hey, Zelda!" Scott shouted. "Lend me a hand, would you?" Sam, however, absorbed as he was in his book, stepped over _Tom Sawyer_ and continued on his way. "Hey, get back here!" Scott yelled. "Dang it, get your head out of your giant butt and help a guy out!"

"Oh, I did not just hear you talking like that!" Leshawna said, coming out from behind yet another pile of books. "You better watch that attitude of yours, redneck. You keep that up, you're just beggin' for a beating."

Scott rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I just wanted the big lug to grab my book for me."

"This one?" Leshawna asked, picking up Tom Sawyer and examining it.

"Yeah, that one. Now could you give it to me?"

Leshawna pulled back her arm and threw the book as hard as she could toward the other side of the warehouse. "Get it yourself," she said, and she walked off, ignoring Scott's wail of, "Oh, come on!"

"Hey, Mike!" Zoey called, spotting her boyfriend at the top of a massive pile of hardcovers, digging his way through. "I just found my book," she said, proud displaying her copy of _Pollyanna_. "Any luck with yours?"

"None yet," Mike answered. He slid down the pile of books to join her.

Zoey patted his arm. "Well, I could help you look if you want. What's your book?" Mike blushed a bit, and mumbled something that Zoey didn't catch. "What was that?" she asked.

Mike side. "The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." Zoey let out a snort and quickly covered her mouth. "Don't laugh!" Mike cried.

"I'm not!" Zoey said hastily. "It's just, you know." She moved her hand away, displaying her amused smile. "It, uh, it's very fitting, isn't it?"

"Are you guys teaming up?" DJ asked, approaching them. "Because if so, I'd like in. I can't find _Where the Red Fern Grows_ anywhere."

"Aww, I love that book!" Bridgette piped up. "I think I saw it up on the balcony area. That's where I found mine." She held up her book, _The Truth About Forever_.

DJ glanced up at the metal balcony circling the warehouse. "Darn," he said, "I hate climbing."

"Well, you're in luck," said Zoey. "I know someone who doesn't have to." She nudged Mike in the side.

"Huh?" Mike said, baffled. "Since when do I not have to climb."

Zoey rolled her eyes. "Not _you_, Mike. Svetlana."

"Oh!" Mike said, realization dawning on him. He took a deep breath, and suddenly his lips became tight and pursed and his eyes sparkled. "Svetlana at your service!" he said, in a high, cheery voice tinged with a Russian accent. With that, he began leaping and bounding between bookshelves and piles, eventually getting high enough to do an elaborate front flip onto the balcony, landing gracefully on his feet. Svetlana looked around, and spotted DJ's book on a table against the wall. To his delight, the table housed _Jekyll and Hyde_ as well.

"Hey, Mike!" he heard a voice say. Mike took a deep breath and shook his head, sending Svetlana away. "Tyler?" he asked. "How did you end up there?"

Tyler was sitting against the far edge of the balcony, his head stuck between two bars of the railing. "I honestly have no idea," Tyler said. "I found my book up here- _Those Guys Have All the Fun_, it's called. About ESPN. Anyway, I start reading it, and I start walking, and somehow I trip."

"No normal person has as many accidents as you have, Tyler," Mike sighed. He pulled on Tyler by the shoulders, and the latter yelped as his head came free.

"Are my ears still there?" Tyler asked, feeling the sides of his head.

"Don't worry," said Mike. "You made it out in one piece. Come on, let's get going." He and Tyler went to the staircase and rejoined their group, and they all walked together to the entrance.

As they were handing over their books, Scott came up, panting and sweating. He slammed _Tom Sawyer_ down in front of Chris, then rounded on Leshawna. "Thanks," he spat sarcastically. "Thanks _so much_ for your help."

"My pleasure," Leshawna said, grinning smugly.

"Well!" Chris said, clapping his hands together. "It looks like we're all present and accounted for. That sure was fun wasn't it?" He was answered by a chorus of groans and boos. "I'll take that as a yes! Now that we've finished this first challenge, it's time for me to assign you to your official teams. I'll place you based on the order in which you guys recovered your books.

"Dawn, Anne Maria, Eva, Courtney, Geoff, Lightning, Gwen, Cameron, B, Izzy, Alejandro, and Heather, you guys are our first team. You will hereby be known as The Outsiders.

"Staci, Owen, Dakota, Noah, Katie, Sadie, Duncan, Lindsay, Trent, Justin, Ezekiel, and Harold, you are our second team. From now on, you will be known as The Grapes of Wrath.

"Beth, Jo, Brick, Cody, Sierra, Sam, Leshawna, Zoey, Mike, DJ, Bridgette, and Tyler, you are our third and final team. And from this point forward, you are known as The Catchers in the Rye."

"Wait!" Scott cried. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"

Chris grinned. "Well, I mean, we already have a nice even number, with three teams of twelve, and I'd kinda hate to-"

"What are you saying?"

Chris's grin broadened. "Congratulations, Scott! You are the very first contestant to be eliminated from Total Drama Bookshelf!"

"Wait, _what?!_"

* * *

**Scott:** _What?! _I can't be eliminated first! There's no way!

* * *

Chris opened up the front door of the warehouse. "And look at that!" he said delightedly. "The Helicopter of Loserdom is almost here!"

"Hang on," Duncan said. "The loser gets to go for a helicopter ride, while the winners are all stuck in a bus? That seems kinda backwards to me."

"Does it help that the loser has to parachute out of the helicopter once they're over civilization?"

Duncan grinned. "It sure does."

A rope ladder dropped down and Scott grabbed ahold of it angrily. "I can't believe this!" he said as he climbed. "This just isn't fair!"

"We'll miss you, Scott," Chris said. "Well, no, we won't. Have a fun ride!" Scott shot him an extremely rude gesture with his finger before the helicopter flew off. "One down, thirty-six to go! I can't wait for you guys to see what's in store for you on Total Drama Bookshelf! But that can wait. For now, everyone, to the Bookmobile?"

"Is that what we're calling the bus now?" Gwen asked dully.

"Yes it is!"

* * *

**Remaining Campers:**

_The Outsiders: _Anne Maria, Alejandro, B, Cameron, Courtney, Dawn, Eva, Geoff Gwen, Heather, Izzy, Lightning

_The Grapes of Wrath: _Dakota, Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Justin, Katie, Lindsay, Noah, Owen, Trent, Sadie, Staci

_The Catchers in the Rye: _Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cody, DJ, Jo, Leshawna, Mike, Sam, Sierra, Tyler, Zoey

**Eliminated Campers:**

Scott


	3. 2-1: Lines Drawn in the Sand

**Ezekiel: **_Pumps his fists victoriously._ Woo-hoo! Guess who didn't get the boot first this time around! This guy! This has to be a good sign, eh? I'm thinking that this is gonna be The Zeke's season!

* * *

Ezekiel plopped himself down into the same seat he had taken before, in the very back. Only this time, with Scott back, he had the seat to himself. With a contented sigh, he put his arms behind his head and lay back against the window. "Pretty sweet, eh?" he said, glancing across the aisle to Alejandro, who had just settled in and was the only other camper with a seat to himself. "Gettinng our own seats. Guess we got something in common, eh?"

Alejandro's eye twitched. "Ezekiel, my friend," he said, "Please never suggest that we have anything in common ever again."

With a shrug, Ezekiel closed his eyes, the very image of relaxation. "If you say so. But facts don't lie, eh? And, dude, while we got the whole back to ourselves, we could fit in some quality guy time. The Zeke and Al, eh?" Alejandro answered by simply banging his head against the seat in front of him.

"Eeee!" Katie squealed as she took her own seat. "We get to be on a team together! Isn't that amazing, Sadie?"

"_So_ amazing!" Sadie replied, just as happily. "It's just like the first season all over again!"

"Except this time, there's no way I am going to leave you, BFFFL!"

"Aww, and I won't leave you either!" The two girls took their seats and embraced.

* * *

**Sadie: **Back in Total Drama Island, I had to spend, like, days without Katie! It was so the worst experience of my life. There's no way I'm going to let that happen again this time!

**Katie:** _Is sitting on Sadie's lap, and puts her arm around the shoulder of her friend._ Don't worry, Sadie. This time, we are so going to be the final two. Two BFFFLs, together all the way.

**Sadie: **And it doesn't matter who wins, because we'll just, like, split the money anyways!

**Katie:** _Gasps._ That is so sweet! We're totally going to do that!

* * *

As Katie and Sadie erupted into yet another peal of eardrum-shattering shrieks, Dakota followed Sam into their seat. "I can't believe we're not on a team together!" Dakota sighed.

Sam put his arm around her. "I know, baby. It really sucks."

"Well," Dakota said. "We'll just have to make the best of it. Since we won't be together in the competitions, we'll have to squeeze all our quality time into these bus rides. You'll just have to put you're video games away for a while during every trip, and we'll get all the 'us' time we need!"

Sam looked up from his 3DS to stare at her. "Put- put my video games away? What are you saying?"

Dakota rolled her eyes. "It's just, you know, it's really difficult to really talk to you when you never look up from Mario. That's not a problem, is it sweetcheeks?"

"No," Sam said, hurriedly shaking his head. "No, of course it's not a problem!"

* * *

**Sam: **_Sighs_. Good-bye, old friend. _He bites his lip and closes his eyes as, with a shaking finger, he turns off the power on his console._

* * *

Tyler and Lightning boarded next. "Dang, this is fun!" Tyler said enthusiastically, bouncing up and down in his seat. "I forgot what a rush it was to be on this show! Man, what do you think the next challenge is gonna be, huh? Chris said each would be based on a different book from now on. Which one do you think? Lightning?" Lightning, beside him, stared indifferently ahead. "Lightning? What's the matter, man?"

Lightning shook his head. "Sha-look, man," he said. "You're a cool guy. Lightning digs that. But you an' Lightning are on different teams now. If we're gonna go out and sha-blast each other to pieces, well, Lightning doesn't wanna do that to a pal, right?"

"Um..." Tyler said, raising his eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"Means 'til the merger, Lightning's givin' you the sha-silent treatment."

"Oh. Are you doing it now?"

"Sha-yeaah."

"Oh." Tyler fidgeted in his seat. "You're, ah, you're not very good at it."

Dawn glanced at the two boys as she sat down. "Oh, dear," she said softly. "You two haven't had a falling out, have you? It's just, you're auras are so black and blue right now."

"Lightning don't hold for fraternizing with the enemy," Lightning said, still staring staunchly forward.

"Oh, I see," Dawn said. She waved DJ over, and he sat down. "DJ, we're on different teams now. Does that mean we're enemies?"

DJ rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I don't think so," he said. "You're nice. I don't think it matters, really."

"Thank you for saying so," Dawn said with a sincere nod. "I'm glad we're not enemies."

"Yeah, same," DJ replied. Dawn smiled and turned to stare out the window, and DJ turned to Tyler and Lightning with a quizzical look. Tyler shrugged and gestured with his head toward Lightning, as if that cleared the matter up entirely.

* * *

**Lightning:** Lightning don't care what some moonchild got to say about it. Lightning's in it to sha-win it!

* * *

"You know, Justin," Staci said as she followed the perfectly-proportioned boy to his seat. "I'm awful glad we're on a team together. My great-great-great-great-aunt Murgatroid invented teams, you know? Yeah, before that, it was every man for himself, you know? Yeah, like sports and stuff, everything had to be one-on-one, and you know-"

"Staci," Justin interrupted. "I like you, really I do." Although, a simple glance at his expression as he said that would have told even the most imperceptive of people that this was not, in fact, the case. "But do you think you could stop talking? You're making my beautiful ears wilt."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Staci cried. "I'm not making you deaf, am I? Yeah, my great-great-uncle Herman was deaf, you know. He invented hearing aids. Yeah, you know, before him, if you had trouble hearing, well, you were pretty much stuck, you know? Yeah, I can see why it bothers you if your ears aren't really in shape. But yours look perfectly fine to me, you know? Did you ever think about getting an earring? My great-great-great-great-grandmother Siblla invented earrings. Yeah, but I'm not sure an earring would look good on you, you know? It would, like, distract from the rest of your face. Yeah, the rest of your face is really nice. Guess that's why you're a model, uh huh."

* * *

**Justin: **Usually, when a girl catches sight of me, it renders her speechless. I know my prowess has been wearing off lately, but this is just ridiculous!

* * *

Justin's expression of annoyance was matched almost precisely by Cody, who was next on the bus, and his reason was quite similar. Sierra was following close behind him, close enough that Cody could feel her breath on the back of his neck. "O. M. G.!" Sierra was saying. "Both of the times we were on the show together, we were put on the same team! You know what that is, Cody-kins? That's destiny!"

"It's not destiny!" Cody insisted as he plopped down into his seat. "We're on the same team because we turned in our books at the same time, and we only did that because you wouldn't leave my side the whole time!"

"Oh, don't be silly!" Sierra replied, undeterred. "It was definitely destiny! And I have to stay by your side, Cody-Wody. I can't stand to be without you!"

"Yeah, well, it's kind of making me claustrophobic."

"Just consider it practice for our wedding day, sweetie."

Cody sighed and pressed his cheek up against the window, while Lindsay, who had just sat caddy-corner to them, let out a squeal. "Oh my gosh, you guys are getting married?"

"So romantic," Beth sighed, sliding in next to Lindsay. "I wonder if Brady and I are ever going to get married. When we're older, of course."

Lindsay smiled at Beth, then turned back to Sierra. "When's the big day?" she asked.

"I haven't decided yet," Sierra said eagerly. "I figure I'll start on planning the big stuff like that once the season's over. But you two are definitely invited. I'm thinking that we'll get married in Hawaii, for sentimental purpose. And it'll be on a cliff overlooking the beach at sunset, and there'll be a four-piece orchestra for the ceremony, but the reception party will be luau-themed, of course."

"Do I get absolutely no say in any of this?" Cody groaned.

"Hush, Cody," Sierra said calmly. "Girl talk time."

"Well, there's another happy couple who gets to be on the same team," came a sigh from Bridgette as she took her seat opposite Sierra and Cody. "I can't believe Geoff and I have to compete against each other!"

Geoff slid in next to her and gave her a comforting smile. "Don't worry, babe! We'll be rooting for each other in spirit, right? And, hey, if you want, we could make sure to go a little easy on each other."

Bridgette shook her head. "No way! Remember what happened when Gwen and Trent did that? Trust me, we don't want to be caught up in the middle of a fiasco like that. But thanks for the thought, sugarplum. And for the bookmarks."

"No problem, babe," Geoff said. "So, since we're not going easy on each other, does that mean I'm allowed to kick your butt?"

Bridgette grinned and gave him a shove. "You can try."

* * *

**Geoff: **_Laughs._ Bridgette knows I'm just kidding. I could never go hard on her.

* * *

**Bridgette: **_Still grinning._ I love you babe, but you're going down!

* * *

"You two aren't going to start sucking face again, are you?" Noah asked drily as he took his seat. "Because it's hard enough to concentrate on my book with the Walking Wikipedia Forum here," he stuck his thumb toward Harold, "and I really don't need anymore distractions."

"I'm not being a distraction," Harold said, sticking his chin up proudly. "I'm just saying, Jules Verne's stuff was good for his era, but if you want real high-quality sci-fi adventure stuff, you're going to half to start into Frank Herbert and Dan Simmons."

"I'm good, thanks," Noah replied, trying to bury himself into his thick copy of _Around the World in Eighty Days_.

"Seriously," Harold continued. "You're focusing more on the literary stuff than the actual enjoyment. See, just because the books you read are old and dusty, doesn't mean they're better books."

Noah rolled his eyes. "I don't like stuff just because it's old, Harold. If that were the case, Chris would be my best friend. Besides, some of my favorite books are modern."

"Good!" Harold said, brightening up. "You know, I've got some Doctor Who expanded universe works in my bag. Once we stop for gas or something, I could grab one for you."

For a moment, Noah just stared at Harold with a glazed look on his face. Then he responded with a flat, "No," and turned back to his book, making it abundantly clear that the conversation was over.

"If it makes you feel better, Harold," Izzy said, strolling up the aisle to join the conversation. "I love Doctor Who. You know, I was his companion for a while. Yep, went all over time and space in a Tardis with him."

"Um, Izzy?" Harold said. "Doctor Who's not actually a real person."

Izzy let out a snort of laughter. "Yeah, you keep on believing that," she said cheerfully.

"Just let her believe what she wants," Owen told Harold. He glanced fondly over to Izzy, who had begun thumb-wrestling with herself. "It makes her happy. She's so nice to be around when she's happy."

"So you two aren't upset about being on separate teams?" Gwen asked as she sat down in front of Noah.

Owen smiled and shook his head. "Nah, we're cool with it. I mean, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? And it's not like we're completely losing each other, just in the challenges. You and Duncan are okay with everything, right?"

"Sure," Duncan said. He took his place next to Gwen. "Gonna take a lot more than being on separate teams to get under our skin, right, Gwen?"

Gwen gave Duncan a half-hearted smile. "Right. Sure."

* * *

**Gwen:** It's not really the fact that I'm not with Duncan that bugs me. I can deal with that. But Courtney and I are still kinda arch-enemies from last season; I don't know if I'll be able to handle being on a team with her. Then when you add people like Heather and Alejandro and Lightning to the mix..._ She sighs._ Yeah, I have a feeling we're not going to be one big happy family.

* * *

"How could you embarrass me like that?" Jo asked angrily as she and Brick sat down. "You made me come off like a total wimp, and a hypocrite to boot!"

"Sorry, Jo," Brick replied, and he truly looked it. "I didn't realize I was supposed to keep it a secret. I mean, you asked me to help. Nothing wrong with that."

"_Nothing wrong with that?_" Jo repeated increduously. "Are you nuts? Look, I know I asked for a hand searching, but that's a one-time thing on account of it being a real stupid challenge anyway. I can't let people start thinking I can't handle any punches thrown at me without cowering behind some stupid back up. What am I, Zoey?"

Zoey, who had been boarding the bus behind Mike, peered over at Jo. "What'd you say?" she asked slowly.

"Nothing, Princess Peach," Jo snorted. "Just that you needed to get help from Mike quite a bit these past couple of seasons, haven't you? Damsel and distress much?"

Umbrage was evident on every inch of Zoey's face as she opened her mouth to retort, but Mike cut her off a hand on her shoulder. "Don't let it get to you," he said quietly.

"Sure," Jo said. "Hide behind Mike again, why don't you? Or, better yet, hide behind Vito or Manitoba! Bet they'd be better in a fight."

"Really, he-woman?" Leshawna said as she slid into her seat in front of Jo. "You tryin' to pick a catfight right here on the bus? With your own teammates? Not your best move, Josephine."

"Nah, we weren't fighting," Jo said, leaning back and raising her eyebrow. "We were just discussing literature, right Zoey? You can join in. Tell me, Leshawna, what do you think about damsels-in-distressed in completely outdated fiction?"

Leshawna rolled her eyes and turned around, just as Courtney scooted past her to the window seat. She sat down heavily and crossed her arms, a scowl lining her face, her eyebrows furrowed so that they nearly formed a V. "Whoa," Leshawna said. "What's got you in a mood?"

"I'm not in a mood," Courtney snapped icily.

* * *

**Courtney:** Okay, so I'm in a mood. Can you blame me? Did you see who I'm stuck with for teammates? The witch, the roid rage, the player, the Jersey Shore clone, the bubble boy, the party freak, the mute, the boyfriend kisser, the alpha bitch, the psycho, and the biggest ego in Canada. How the heck am I supposed to win when I'm on a team like _that?_

* * *

"Aw, I bet she's just bitter 'cause Duncan and Gwen are sitting together again," Heather said. She was following B, who remained staunchly silent as per usual, into the next seat up. "That getting to you again? Can't believe you weren't even good enough for a total punk?"

Courtney spluttered a bit in response, then, since words seemed to be failing her, she retorted with a gesture that she probably didn't pick up in a sign language class. "Very dignified," Heather said unflinchingly. "You spent a little too much time around Scott, didn't you? Or at least, around his tongue."

"Come on, girls," Trent said as he sat opposite Heather. "Don't be like that. You don't really want to spend this whole bus ride fighting, do you?"

"You'd better not," Eva growled. She dropped down next to Trent. "I want to get some beauty sleep on this ride, and if I can't do that because you two mousers are keeping me up yowling at each, someone is going to get their skull rearranged." To emphasize to point, she punched the seat in front of her. When she pulled her fist away, the upholstery kept its shape.

"Do ya mind?" Anne Maria scoffed as she saw the bump in the back of her seat. "I don't really want to be someone's punching bag while I'm trying to fix my hair." She pulled out her bottle and started spraying.

Eva grabbed onto the wrist holding the can of hairspray. "I told you not to spray that crap around me!" she barked.

Anne Maria simply yanked her arm away. "We're on the same team, freakface. So either youse gonna get used to the spray, or youse gonna have to jump outta the bus, 'cause I'm not letting my pouf go flat."

With a snarl, Eva made another lunge for the can, and within seconds, the girls were lost in a cloud of hairspray, slapping, pulling hair, and yelling insults. Trent pressed himself up against the window while Zoey and Heather leaned back, all trying to avoid the fray. Cameron stood stunned at the door of the bus. "I, uh," he said. "I think I'll sit with Ezekiel today." He edged around the fighting girls and hurried to the back seat.

The bus shook as Chef and Chris climbed on and took a look around. Chef let out a sigh after taking in the fighting and bickering occurring in clusters throughout the vehicle; Chris, on the other hand, seemed delighted by it. With a shake of his head, Chef slammed his hand on a button in the center of the steering wheel. All the campers jumped and went silent at the honk of the sonorous horn. "All right, maggots," Chef roared. "I'm drivin' this here bus, and I don't wanna have to deal with you killin' each other while I do it! So either you talk quiet-like amongst yourselves like civilized human beings, or _shut the hell up!_"

If Chef's plan had been to make the bus ride the most awkward hours of silence any of the campers had ever endured, he succeeded beautifully. The time that it took before the bus finally came to a full stop felt like days. When the brakes were finally applied, those at the window hurried to get the first look at their destination.

"We're in the middle of nowhere again?" Trent asked as he stared at the barren, arid landscape outside of the bus.

"Close!" Chris replied. "We're in the middle of the desert! Today's challenge is going to be based off of the French children's book _The Little Prince_, by Antoine de... de... de Something French."

"Our first story-based challenge comes from a picture book?" Noah asked. "That says a lot about your reading habits, Chris."

"Hey Noah?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up. Anyway, in this book, the titular prince-"

* * *

**Harold: **_Snickers._ Titular. It _sounds_ dirty, but it's not.

* * *

"-ends up wandering in a desert for days. Eventually, he stumbles upon a rose garden, and it baffles, since he thought his own rose was th only rose in existence. Kids everywhere then get the much-needed reminder that they are not actually special."

"So what's the challenge?" Courtney asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Chris replied. "I've had the interns set up a nice little rose garden somewhere in the Mojave Desert, which is where we are now. The first team to get all their team members to the rose garden wins, and the last team gets to go to elimination. That's all the instruction you guys need! On your mark, get set..." Chef opened the bus door. "_Go!_"

* * *

**Remaining Campers:**

_The Outsiders: _Anne Maria, Alejandro, B, Cameron, Courtney, Dawn, Eva, Geoff Gwen, Heather, Izzy, Lightning

_The Grapes of Wrath: _Dakota, Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Justin, Katie, Lindsay, Noah, Owen, Trent, Sadie, Staci

_The Catchers in the Rye: _Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cody, DJ, Jo, Leshawna, Mike, Sam, Sierra, Tyler, Zoey

**Eliminated Campers:**

Scott


	4. 2-2: Under the Sun

Bridgette breathed deeply at the fresh air as she turned her smiling face to the sun. "Now, see?" she said. "This is the kind of challenge I like! Outdoors! Plenty of sun! Add a little more water- well, okay, a _lot_ more water- and I'd be in paradise!"

"Speak for yourself," Sam groaned behind her. The teams had only been walking for a few minutes, and already the gamer boy was sweating like a hog and completely worn.

"Come now, soldier!" Brick barked behind him. "A little walking never hurt anybody!" He took Sam by the elbow and began tugging him along. "Gotta keep up with the rest of us. Come on, hut-two! Hut-two! Roll those feet, dittybopper!"

In front of him, Leshawna whipped around with a glare. "Oh, _hell_ no!" she said. "I got enough of that military nonsense back when Hatchet decided to try running the ship five seasons ago! There is no way I'm gonna be anyone's recruit anytime soon, so you better stop calling out your little cadence, mister gung ho mo fo!"

Brick wrinkled his forehead, but fell silent as Leshawna turned back around. "Any idea where exactly we're headed?" the latter asked.

Jo, at the front of the group, shrugged. "I dunno. Just wandering around 'til we see a rose garden, I guess. Can't think of any better strategy."

"What if we split into more regiments, sir?" Brick asked. "We could cover more grounds to search if we separate."

"I call being on Cody's team!" Sierra cried. She grabbed Cody's arm and lifted it into the air.

Jo rolled her eyes. "We're not splitting up. In case you've forgotten, _soldier_, Chris said the whole group had to be at the rose garden for it to count. And I don't know about you, but once I find it, I'd rather not have to go wasting time tracking down everyone else."

"Oh. Right."

* * *

**Brick:** With all my training, I'd think that by now I'd be ready to handle a bit of charge in my own squadron. But I keep missing these obvious details. _He sighs._ Guess that's why Jo's the sergeant, and I'm the private.

* * *

"So, what, we just keep an eye out for any sign of red?" Tyler asked.

"Not necessarily," DJ replied. "Chris didn't specify that it was a garden of red roses."

Tyler tilted his head at DJ in confusion. "What do you mean? All roses are red."

"No they're not," Beth piped up. "Roses come in all sorts of colors. In fact, the _Rosa Carolinae_ and the _Rosa Gymnocarpae_, the main rose species native to North America, come only in bright pink, while others, like _Rosa Pimpinellifoliae_, come in yellow and purple as well. And that's not even counting dying the petals." Both of the boys turned to stare at her, baffled.

* * *

**Beth:** What? Brady likes gardening.

* * *

"So, basically," Cody said slowly, "We should keep our eyes out for anything red, white, pink, purple, or yellow?"

"Or green," Zoey added. "Don't forget the stems."

Sierra nodded. "And I think their thorns are usually brown, right?"

Jo heaved a sigh. "Okay, forget about looking for the colors. Just, you know, keep your eye out for anything that's not dirt or tumbleweed or dead grass. Way this place is looking, that should stick out like a sore thumb. Though I think I'm starting to have mirages anyway."

"Eh, now," Mike said. He put an arm around Jo. "No need to get stroppy, mate. Battler like you, you won't have no trouble whippin' all us yobbos into shape!"

Everyone glanced, not at Mike, but at his hat. "Zoey," Leshawna said stiffly, "I thought you confiscated that hat of his."

"I did," Zoey said. She flashed a sheepish smile. "But, you know, Manitoba's pretty good at the outdoor stuff, so I figured, couldn't hurt, right?"

Cody frowned. "I'm not so sure you should be encouraging those multiple personalities, Zoey. I mean, I watched all of last season. We all know what kind of mess he leaves when one of them gets out of control."

"Yeah, but that's Mal!" Zoey protested. "He's not around. Just Manitoba. And I'm sure Manitoba will be a big help in the search. Right, sweetie?"

Mal grinned broadly and nodded. "Right you are, bluey! In fact, if the rest of you wingers will fall in behind me, I think I gots me the scent of Adam's Ale on the horizon! Come on!"

"The heck is Adam's Ale?" Jo muttered as she began jogging to keep up with the enthusiastic Mike. "And how do you smell anything over Sam's back sweat?"

* * *

**Sam:** You know, Dakota thinks my sweaty back is manly.

* * *

Elsewhere in the Mojave, Dakota was tugging fretfully at her hair, moaning. "This is awful!" she whined. "The sun and the heat. It's messing up my hair, I'm probably going to get sunburns on my nose and it will peel and be totally gross, and what's worse, I've got pit stains! _Pit stains_! Viewers all over the world are going to see me with pit stains! What a nightmare!"

"Aww, don't worry about it," Trent said. "If it makes you feel any better, Owen's pit stains are much worse than yours."

"It's true," Owen said with a nod. He lifted up his arms to prove it, but immediately put them down when the rest of his team grabbed their notices and turned away with retching noises and shouts of "Dude!"

Staci tried to bat away the smell. "You know, my great-great-aunt Elsa invented deodorant. Yeah, before that, everyone smelled like Owen."

"I somehow doubt that," Duncan muttered. "Hey, Harold!" he called to the front of the group. "You sure you're leading us the right way?"

"Absolutely!" Harold called back. "_Dune_ is set in a desert ecosystem, so I know my way around."

"Right," Noah said. Even now, he had his book in his hand, and was reading it in the intense sunlight. "And _House_ is set in a hospital, so I think I'm ready to perform heart surgery. Any takers?"

Lindsay gasped. "You're really a surgeon? Wow! I knew you were smart, but that's amazing!" Noah just rolled his eyes.

Behind them, Sadie was practically kneeling over as Katie tried to pull her along, arm around the bigger girl's shoulder. "Katie," Sadie panted, "I don't think I'm going to make it. I think I'm having a heat stroke."

"No, Sadie!" Katie cried. "Don't you die on me!"

"For God's sake," Duncan sighed. "She's not dying. We just had a water break, like, two minutes ago!" He pointed back to where, indeed, stood a row of irrigated drinking fountains that the team had just left.

Justin grinned. "Well," he said, "If she does have a heat stroke, I guess you'll be in charge of taking care of it, mister heart surgeon."

Noah glared over at Justin, who stood flashing his plastic smile. "Bite me," he snapped. Immediately, he felt someone yank on his arm, and something sharp sank into it. "Ow!" he yelled, pulling his arm back. "What the hell?!"

"Sorry!" Ezekiel cried, throwing up his hands innocently. "Sorry, eh, it's just... the heat's kinda getting to my head and-"

"You bit me!" Noah cried. "You actually _bit_ me!" He looked worriedly at the neat curve of tooth marks on his forearm, from which bright red blood was slowly beginning to seep. Gently trying to dab the spots of blood away with the fingers of the other hand, he turned back to Ezekiel, enraged. "What even- why would you- you're still feral, aren't you?!"

Ezekiel shook his head rapidly. "No, eh! Perfectly cured!"

* * *

**Ezekiel:** Okay, so, the therapy did work wonders, eh. But, uh, sometimes, when I'm hot, or tired, or hungry, I, uh... I forget. About, you know, the whole no-being-a-wild-animal thing. But I'm working on it, eh? It's not a problem.

* * *

Dakota took Ezekiel by the chin and examined his face. "You are looking a little... green," she said tentatively. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, eh!" Ezekiel snapped, pulling away.

"You're drooling," Trent pointed out.

Sadie raised her hand. "I think I was drooling earlier, too," she said. "Is that a symptom of heat stroke? Because, I think Ezekiel might be having one."

"No one's having a heat stroke, dipwit!" Duncan said. "Noah asked to be bitten, and Ezekiel graciously obliged." He smirked at Noah, who shot him an icy glower. "Now, come on. Harold, any updates on that rose garden?"

"I can sense us getting closer," Harold said. "Just a feeling. Like, Zen, kinda."

"I'm sure it is," Noah muttered. "Ezekiel, stop twitching! You're putting us all on edge!" He turned to Owen as the latter nudged him in the side. "What?" he asked.

"I was just thinking," Owen said. "Our team's the Grapes of Wrath, right?"

"Yeah?"

"And so, if we're out here in the sun, soon we're gonna be the Raisins of Wrath!" He laughed at his own joke. Noah just rolled his eyes.

While the Grapes continued trudging through the desert, the Outsiders weren't faring any better. It seemed that the team was somewhat torn regarding their leadership. "Look," Alejandro was saying. "We all saw that bird fly by. Obviously, the bird was looking for plant life, which means it went to the rose garden. _That_ way."

"Um, no!" Heather snapped. "We follow the dried out riverbed! That's how we know the soil will be able to handle a garden!"

"In case you've forgotten," Courtney told her, "This isn't a natural flowerbed. Chris just had his interns plant it wherever he felt like it. And if I know Chris, he'll want to make it as miserable as possible for us, so he would place it so that we have to follow the sun."

Heather rolled her eyes. "Don't be an idiot. The sun _moves_ all day. We can't be facing it the whole time."

"You're the idiot!" Courtney said, giving Heather a shove. "From noon onward, it's always in the west. So if we go west-"

"How about sha-Lightning lead us to-"

"_No!_" That came from all three, Heather, Alejandro, and Courtney, as they whipped their heads toward Lightning, who fell back in a rare instance of meekness. "Sha-sorry," he muttered. He turned to Geoff and twirled his finger around his ear, the universal 'cuckoo' sign. Geoff smiled in agreement.

Eva took the chance to step up to the three bickerers. "Look, pansies," she growled. "Either the three of you settle on one direction to go, or I swear, in ten minutes, your bones will be buzzard chow."

"Um, Eva?" Cameron said. "Turkey vultures don't eat the bones of the carrion, just the meat." He shrunk back at the look of fury on Eva's face, and quickly added, "But, I, uh, I got what you meant."

Closer to the back of the group, Anne Maria tapped Gwen's shoulder. "Hey, Gwen?" she said. "I feels like my pouf is wilting. Is it?"

Gwen looked over at Anne Maria. Sure enough, her hair, normally sculpted into balloon-like puffs and curls, was looking stringy and drab, despite the desperate efforts of the hardened hairspray. "Uh, no," she said. "It looks fine."

"You're lying! I can tell!" Anne Maria cried. She whipped out her trusty can of hairspray and immediately began spraying ludicrous amounts onto her hair with one hand while the other tried to hold the pouf in place. "C'mon, cugutza, stay with me?"

Gwen coughed as the hairspray spread throughout the group. "You know, Anne Maria," she said. "Your pouf wouldn't be wilting if people would cool it with that global-warming-in-a-can." Anne Maria replied by spraying Gwen in the face.

"Everyone, please!" Dawn squeaked. "Don't fight! The vibes in this group are just awful!"

"I'm not fighting!" Courtney barked. "I'm just _explaining_!"

* * *

**Courtney:** It amazes me how often I have to explain everything to everyone on this show. And even when they do, sometimes they don't even listen. I mean, come on, I was a C.I.T.! Do credentials mean nothing to these people?

* * *

"Well, Izzy's not fighting!" Izzy said happily as she bounced alongside the group. "Izzy loves being in the desert! Makes Izzy feel like a rattlesnake!" She let out a sound that was meant to sound like a rattle, but came out halfway between a gurgle and a hiss.

"Cool it, Izzy!" Heather snapped. "Our team only needs one snake at a time." She glanced pointedly at Alejandro, who just smiled.

With all the bickering going on, they had almost forgotten their quietest member. B was looking contemplatively around the surrounding desert landscape, and after a moment, he tapped Dawn on the shoulder. "What is it?" she asked. B pointed out into the distance. "You think the garden is that way?" Dawn said. B nodded. "All right, B. Lead the way!"

"What?" Courtney said. "We're following B? No, no, no! That's not the right way!"

Geoff shrugged. "You're welcome to go solo if you want, Courtney," he said. "But hey, I trust B, and we kinda need the whole group to stay together." For an instant, Courtney looked like she was about to take Geoff up on his idea for her to go solo, but she conceded and followed the rest of the group, muttering frustratedly under her breath the entire way.

The Catchers in the Rye, meanwhile, had finally come to a stop. "Well!" Manitoba said, hands proudly on his hips. "Made it to our destination. Ain't it a beaut?"

His teammates didn't quite share his enthusiasm, mainly because they were not actually at the rose garden. Instead Mike had led the group to a creek, or what could pass for a creek in the desert, seeing as it amounted to just a trickle a few inches deep. Sam was heaving ragged breaths as he caught up and looked at the water. "Thank God!" he groaned, and without further ado, he plunged his profusely-sweating head into the shallow water.

Jo rounded on Mike. "You idiot!" she snarled. "You were supposed to lead us to the garden. We weren't searching for water!"

"Speak for yourself," Sam groaned.

Manitoba simply shrugged. "What can I say, Sheila, I'm a survivalist. When you're trekkin' the outback, you ain't on a search for posies, you look for the dirt's delicious tears. And wouldn't you know, I found 'em, mate."

"All right, give me the hat," Leshawna said, snatching it off his head. Mike let out a sharp inhale as Manitoba vanished. "What are you glaring at me for?" he asked, noticing the looks on the faces around him.

Zoey put a comforting hand on his arm. "Nothing, sweetie," she said. "Manitoba just got a little confused about his instructions, that's all."

"Yeah, that's all," Jo grunted, kicking angrily at the dirt. "We're just back to being as lost as when we started, no big deal."

"No we're not!" Bridgette cried. She tugged on Jo's sleeve and pointed. "Look!"

The rest of the team followed her pointing finger, and several let out a victorious whoop. Off in the distance, but still within range of sight, they could see a fixed block of dark green, interspersed with dashes of pink and red and white. "The rose garden!" DJ said. "Now that's lucky!" With a renewed energy, the team hurried toward the garden, Jo staying behind for a moment to roll Sam out of the creek and force him to his feet. Brick was the first to leap over the short wooden fence surrounding the garden, with the others following close behind. Once their last member had crossed, they cheered.

* * *

**Jo:** This team actually won the challenge? It's a miracle.

* * *

"Victory!" Tyler cried, pumping his fist in the air. "Hey, Chris!" He turned to the host who sat in a lawnchair in the center of the garden, sunglasses on his face, parasol over his head, and battery-powered fan on the arm of his chair.

"What's the first-place reward?" Cody asked.

"Patience, kiddos," Chris said lightly. "Wait for the other teams to show up. Shouldn't take long. Looks like second place is almost here."

He gestured with his thumb to a spot in the distance, where the Catchers could see another group making their way toward the garden. "See?" Harold was saying. "I am an expert navigator. There was no need to ever have doubted me."

"Sounds like someone's forgetting Japan," Justin said. "If ever there was a reason to doubt someone..."

"That was different! Besides, we're almost there, aren't we?"

"And just in time, too," Sadie said. "I don't think I can take much more of this."

Dakota groaned. "For the last time, you are not having a heat stroke!"

"No," Katie said, "But Sadie does sunburn easily." She wrapped her arm around her friend. "Don't worry. I packed some aloe just in case. If you got sunburned, the whole bottle's yours."

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Sadie cried. She pulled Katie into a constricting hug. "You're the best BFFFL ever!"

"This is touching, really it is," Noah said drily, "But could you lovebirds try to keep up?"

"That goes for you too, Ezekiel," Duncan added, noticing the boy in the toque beginning to slow down, his eyes sliding out of focus. Suddenly, Ezekiel stopped short, staring at some spot in the distance. "Hey, Zeke!" Duncan said. He turned around and waved his hand in front of Ezekiel's face. "What's up with this guy?"

Without warning, Ezekiel shot off like a cork on all fours, chasing after a desert bobcat that had darted across the sand, growling all the while. The rest of his team stared after him for a moment, some stunned, others annoyed. Then Owen cleared his throat. "So, um, looks like Zeke's gone feral again."

"Should one of us go catch him?" Lindsay asked.

"My great-great-uncle Heinrich invented animal catchers," Staci said. "So, you know, it's probably in my genes, yeah."

"I'll help," Trent said. He nodded to the others. "You guys go ahead to the garden. We'll catch up."

With that, the team split. Trent and Staci took off after Ezekiel, while the rest of the Grapes crossed the rest of the way to the rose garden. Chris was there waiting for them, along with the Catchers in the Rye. "I was about to say we have our second place winners," Chris said, "But the numbers here seem off somehow."

"The rest are coming," Owen said quickly. "They just had to... grab something."

"Well, they'd better hurry," Chris replied. "Because it looks like the Outsiders have found their way."

The campers turned to see the group fast approaching across the arid ground. Duncan turned nervously to look at the retreating backs of Trent and Staci and let out an angry curse. "Yeah," Chris said with a smile. "That sounds like the proper reaction."

Courtney was the first of the third group to make it to the garden. "Oh no!" she cried in horror as she saw the gathered campers. "We're last! Last!" She turned angrily to B as he ambled in. "See, this is why you should have let _me_ lead!"

"Don't get your panties in a twist just yet, Courtney," Chris said with a grin. "It seems our Grapes here lost a couple of players, so the Outsiders are our second place team! Grapes of Wrath, looks like one of you is facing elimination tonight!"

The members of the Grapes of Wrath groaned, while the Outsiders let out sighs of relief. In the distance, the Bookmobile began making its way toward the garden, a thick cloud of dust trailing behind. It had nearly reached the campers by the time Trent and Staci stumbled in, scratched and disheveled and each holding one of Ezekiel's arms. "He's calmed down, finally," Trent said.

Ezekiel smiled guiltily. "Sorry, eh. Guess I lost my head again. I caught the bobcat, though, if that helps any." He gulped as he glanced between his teammates, taking in their dark looks. "You, uh, you're not mad, eh?"

Lindsay smiled warmly. "No, Zeke, of course not!" she cried.

* * *

**Duncan:** _Cracks his knuckles and speaks through gritted teeth._ Oh yes, Ezekiel. We're mad.

* * *

**Remaining Campers:**

_The Outsiders: _Anne Maria, Alejandro, B, Cameron, Courtney, Dawn, Eva, Geoff Gwen, Heather, Izzy, Lightning

_The Grapes of Wrath: _Dakota, Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Justin, Katie, Lindsay, Noah, Owen, Trent, Sadie, Staci

_The Catchers in the Rye: _Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cody, DJ, Jo, Leshawna, Mike, Sam, Sierra, Tyler, Zoey

**Eliminated Campers:**

Scott


	5. 2-3: The First Weak Link

When it came to meals for the campers, Chef Hatchet never failed to disappoint. The thirty-six contestants stepped off the Bookmobile and were met with a set-up that, anywhere else, would indicate the presence of delicious and high-spirited cookout: three rows of red picnic tables stretched beneath a thick blue canopy, beside which stood a fourth row of tables, these plastic and white, loaded with plates and tin-foil-covered pans and tupperware dishes. However, while these would normally be overflowing with hot dogs and potato chips and baked beans and baby carrots, the food waiting for the campers was... well, whatever it was, it was gray, and some of it moved.

"I see Chef hasn't given up trying to poison all of us," Heather grumbled as the teens got into line and grabbed up their paper plates and flimsy plastic forks.

"What do you mean?" Owen asked from in front of her in line. Already, he had scooped a mountain of the gray stuff onto his plate, and a little extra already into his mouth.

Justin grimaced as he watched Owen shoveling up Chef's creation. "Alright, note to everyone," he said. "From now on, the bathroom on the bus is for _confessionals only._"

* * *

**Owen:** I feel like Justin's trying to tell me something.

* * *

"Oh, come on, guys," Brick says. He scooped the gray stuff onto his own plate cheefully. "It's good for you."

"You know what it is?" Cody asked, eyebrow raised.

"No," Brick replied. "But I know protein when I smell it."

Curious, Zoey leaned toward the gray stuff and tentatively breathed in a whiff of its nearly tangible odor. In an instant, her eyes watered, and she flung a fist over her mouth to keep from retching. "How on earth do you smell protein in that?" she gasped. "It smells like dead skunk to me."

"Actually," came Harold's dry voice from behind her, "Skunks don't particularly smell. They produce a spray from their anal scent glands that contain sulfurous chemicals in order to ward off predators, but they hold enough juice to spray five or six times. In fact, they use their coloration to ward off predators much more than they do their stink spray."

"This has been Fun with Animals," Noah said emotionlessly, "Brought to you by Doctor Harold, the number two, and the letter Z." Harold sniffed in irritation and left to sit down at one of the picnic tables.

Within a few minutes, the campers were all seated, each team spreading themselves along one row of picnic tables. A few brave souls had begun eating the meal chef had prepared for them, but most of the teens simply picked at it with their forks, wondering how long it would take to get a pizza out here.

Lindsay was one of the first to finish, being one of the few dumb enough or with enough of a death wish to eat the gray stuff, and she set down her fork and turned happily to her teammates. "Okay," she said. "Now that we've got some free time, I think it's time for a bit of team building!"

Duncan looked up from his food, which he had meticulously sculpted into a skull and crossbones, and met Lindsay's expression with one that clearly said, 'You have got to be kidding me.' "What are you talking about?" he said.

"Well," Lindsay continued, unabashed. "We weren't doing a very good job of getting along together during the challenge today, so I thought, you know, we should try to get to know one another. Build up team spirit."

"Ooh!" Katie cried. "We could do that 'Two Truths and a Lie' game!"

Sadie grabbed her friends shoulder, beaming. "Ooh, yes! I love that game!"

Ezekiel piped up excitedly from farther down the table. "Or we could do that thing where everyone grabs two other people's hand and you have to get the group all untangled."

"My great-aunt Ida invented that game," Staci said with a nod.

"Sounds great," Noah said, his voice suggesting that it was anything but. "One problem, though."

"What?" Lindsay asked, tilting her head.

"We're not eight-year-olds at a day camp," Noah answered.

* * *

**Lindsay:** _She rolls her eyes._ Way to be a party pooper, Noah.

* * *

"More importantly, though," Trent said, "We've got bigger fish to fry."

"How so?" Dakota asked. They mound of gray on her plate was one of the few that remained completely untouched.

Justin leaned in toward the others. "In case you've forgotten, we've only got a few hours before Chris starts handing out marshmallows, or trophies, or peanuts, or whatever he bought in bulk this year."

Katie wrinkled her nose. "You want us to talk about that now? That doesn't sound nearly as fun as group building games."

"_Everything_ sounds more fun than group building games," Duncan shot back.

"Well, I'm voting for Ezekiel," Noah said bluntly.

Ezekiel choked on the gray mush he had been eating and swung his head toward the bookworm. "What?" he gasped. "Why?"

Wordlessly, Noah pushed up his sleeve and held out his forearm. The dark red marks from Ezekiel's teeth stood out against Noah's tanned skin, the surrounding inches of which had become a splotchy purple with bruising. "Oh," Ezekiel said softly. "Right."

Duncan laughed. "So Zeke bit Noah-It-All," he said. "No need to pretend it's such a bad thing. Heck, I wish I'd had the guts to do it." He smirked in response to the death glare Noah gave him. "Still, you did kinda cost us the challenge."

"It's not just that," Trent pointed out. "I'm not sure I'm all that comfortable about you going all rabid-Gollum out there today. We all saw where that went on All Stars. But, yeah, the challenge was a bit of a big deal, too."

"But, but-" Ezekiel spluttered. "Oh, come on, eh! You can't pin that entirely on me! What about Harold, eh? He was being the leader! He should have watched out for that sort of thing, eh!"

Harold glanced over, alarmed. "Why are you blaming me?" he asked. "I wasn't going to vote for you anyway, Ezekiel. I think our team has bigger liabilities."

"What do you mean?" Owen asked.

Harold gestured with his plastic fork. "Well, I don't think any of us have forgotten Justin's behavior back in Action. Once a villain..."

"You're wasting your vote on me?" Justin scoffed. "How am I the weakest link on this time? Especially when we've got not one but_ two_ blonde airheads weighing us down.

Dakota bristled at that remark. "Wow, Justin calling somebody an airhead. That's rich."

* * *

**Lindsay:** Is this supposed to be some new kind of group bonding game? Because I don't think it's working.

* * *

Duncan rapped his fork repeatedly against the edge of the table. "Order, order," he said sarcatically, waiting for the others to stop their bickering. "Okay, obviously, this whole strategizing thing isn't working for us."

"Got a better suggestion?" Justin snapped.

"Yeah," Duncan answered with a shrug. "We each go into that confessional, vote for whoever we want out of our hair, and come campfire time, we'll all be happily surprised. No strategy, no alliance, just vote. Make it easier on ourselves this first time around." He glanced around at his teammates. "That work? 'Cause if I have to sit through any more of this, someone is gonna get shanked."

There were a few moments of silence, then Duncan was answered nods and reluctantly muttered 'yeah's. "Good," Duncan said. "Then may the worst man lose."

The Grapes of Wrath weren't the only ones who were having trouble getting through lunch peacefully. At the next row of picnic tables over, the Outsiders were locking horns just as much, if not more. "I've said it once, and I'll say it again," Gwen was saying with a sigh. "We don't _need_ a team captain. We're all supposed to be equal players in this."

Heather groaned in exasperation. "Yeah, sure, Wednesday," she said. "That sounds great in theory, but you saw how close we cut it today. We can't afford to spend that much time on our decisions again. Someone has to be in charge."

"Right," Courtney said. "And the person making those decisions should be the smartest and most skilled player. As in, _me_."

"Your logic is sound, but your conclusion is off," Alejandro said slightly. "If we're looking for the smartest and most skilled, well, I think yours truly has a bit of an advantage over you."

Lightning shook his head. "You've all forgotten your best candidate. What about sha-Light-"

"_No!_" Heather, Courtney, and Alejandro snapped in unison.

"Why not?" Lightning pouted.

Anne Maria snorted, pausing in her personal grooming for a moment to put in her two cents. "Are ya kidding? Ha, we'd be better off with the cuckoo clock over there leading us than with youse."

"Wait, you want me to be the captain?" Izzy said.

"In your dreams," Eva muttered.

* * *

**Izzy:** See, the nutty thing is, I _have_ been the captain in my dreams! Not of this team, of course. Of a baseball team. On Neptune. We played against a team of jaguars and the winners got to eat the losers. My team won.

* * *

"If we're taking nominations," Dawn said quietly, "I nominate B as captain."

"What?" Courtney said. "B? Why?"

Dawn shrugged. "He's a good strategist."

"How on earth would you know?" Alejandro said. "He doesn't even talk!"

"You don't need to be able to talk to be a good strategist. Besides-" She stopped as B nudged her gently in the said. Dawn looked over to the enormous boy, who soundlessly shook his head. "Oh, never mind," she said forlornly. "B doesn't want to be captain."

"Good," Heather said. "Tell you what. How about we put it to a vote?"

"Fine by me," Courtney grunted.

"Alright," Heather continued. "All in favor of me being captain, raise your hands." She lifted her own hand into the air. Everyone else remained still.

Courtney grinned victoriously at her. "Looks like the people don't want you. All in favor of our most valuable CIT being captain?" She raised her hand proudly, but after several seconds passed with no one doing the same, she slowly lowered it, her face reddening, fuming.

"I guess that leaves me," Alejandro said. He raised his hand, but none of his teammates followed suit. He let out a frustrated sigh. "Come on, some of you have got to vote."

"Ooh! I vote for Izzy!" Izzy cried, waving her hand around madly.

Gwen raised an eyebrow. "I've got another idea," she said. "All in favor of having no captain at all, raise your hand." She lifted her hand slowly into the air, and was instantly followed by Dawn, Eva, B, Anne Maria, Cameron, and Geoff. "Seven in favor," she said. "That's majority."

"Fine," Courtney huffed. "No captain."

* * *

**Courtney:** For now, anyway.

* * *

Heather opened her mouth to retort, but was interrupted by a loud honking. The campers all turned toward the noise, a few standing up to see over the heads of the other campers as their eyes followed the source of the noise.

Across the desert scenery beside them approached a gleaming black stretch limousine, whose sparkling wax coat had somehow managed to avoid being dirtied in any way by the arid dust kicking up from its tires. The limo pulled up next to the canopied area, and those closest to it tried to get a look inside, only to see that the windows were blacked out. Still, their question was answered in a moment when the window of the passenger side door rolled down, and Chris poked his head out, smiling broadly.

"Enjoy your meal, campers?" he asked brightly.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Leshawna cried. "You really need to rub it in our faces that you're getting the five-star treatment while you leave us to eat slop and sleep in a bus?"

Chris shook his head. "Oh, ye of little faith," he said. "I'm not here to brag, although, come on, I have every reason to, right? Nah, I'm just letting you guys know that from now on the winning team doesn't have to ride the bookmobile."

DJ's eyes widened. "You don't mean..."

"Yep!" Chris said happily. The door into the limo popped open. "Catchers in the Rye, welcome to the Winousine! Everyone else, time to get loaded up onto the Bookmobile. Don't get too comfortable, though," he added, turning to the Grapes of Wrath. "In a few miles, we'll be taking a rest stop. I've got the fire all set up."

The campers made their way into their respective vehicles, the two losing teams shooting daggers at the campers climbing into the luxurious limousine. Once in the bus, without even needing to discuss it, the campers spread themselves out, more people sitting alone than not. Frankly, the majority had had enough of their team for the day.

They drove for a couple of hours, passing nothing more memorable than tumbleweeds and patches of grass, before the bus pulled to a screeching stop, coating the back few rows of windows in the dust it kicked up. "Alright, campers!" Chris' bullhorn-enhanced voice called out. "Last stop for awhile. Outsiders and Catchers, feel free to get out and stretch your legs. As for the Grapes, stick around to cast your votes, then make your way over to the campfire!"

Not long after, while the rest of the contestants meandered around the bus and limo, the twelve members of the losing team sat in a semicircle around the campfire that had been set up a little ways away. They were sitting on stumps, as per usual for the elimination ceremony, although these particular stumps were paler, dried, and cracked by the desert air. It appeared as though one stray spark from the campfire could reduce the parched seats to ashes within seconds. Across the fire from the campers stood Chris, his annoyingly omnipresent smile lit by the orange glow of the campfire, a cardboard box at his feet.

"Welcome," Chris said, "To the first campfire elimination ceremony of Total Drama Bookshelf! Your votes have all been counted. Lot of variety this time around. No landslide losses. Of course, that doesn't mean there were no losses. A lot of people received votes, but one received more votes than the others. That person will be going home tonight."

"Get on with it," Noah groaned.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Anyway, tonight's little symbols of safety will be... these!" He opened the box and pulled out book, only a few inches tall but just as thick. "Merriam-Webster pocket dictionaries!" he announced enthusiastically. The campers stared at the host, who sighed. "The network found boxes full of these in their basement. No idea how they got there, no idea what to do with them. So, you know, now their ours." His face brightened again. "Well, for all but one of us. The first dictionary for tonight goes to... Trent!"

Trent reached up to catch the little book. "Owen!"

"Staci!"

"Duncan!"

"Katie and Sadie!"

"Noah!"

"Dakota!"

"Lindsay!"

The three remaining boys glanced anxiously at one another, Justin angrily, Harold intensely, and Ezekiel, just nervously. "Down to the final three!" Chris said. "Which one of you will be taking the helicopter ride tonight? Ezekiel, Harold, or Justin?"

"I don't know," Duncan said, bored. "Why don't you tell us?"

Chris scowled at him. "Way to ruin the dramatic tension, Duncan. Harold, here's your dictionary." Harold let out a sigh of relief as he caught the book. "One left. The final dictionary of the night goes to..." He paused, glancing rapidly between the two boys in the awkward silence that he knew the editors would later fill in with dramatic music. Then, with a flourish, he tossed the last book and announced, "Justin!"

"Oh no," Ezekiel moaned.

"Sorry, Zeke," Chris said with a shrug. "The people voted. Guess a crazed zombie just isn't the best asset to have on a team." He looked up toward the sky. "And look, here comes your ride!"

Ezekiel sighed and stood up and the ladder was lowered toward him. "Bye, Zack!" Lindsay cried, waving sadly. "I'll miss you!"

Ezekiel smiled sadly at her. "That's not my name, but thanks, eh." He made his way up the ladder, and the helicopter flew away, the team looking on in silence.

"Welp," Chris finally said, clapping his hands. "Hallmark moment over. You guys had better head back to the bus and try your hand at getting a bit of sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day... with a brand new challenge!"

* * *

**Remaining Campers:**

_The Outsiders: _Anne Maria, Alejandro, B, Cameron, Courtney, Dawn, Eva, Geoff Gwen, Heather, Izzy, Lightning

_The Grapes of Wrath: _Dakota, Duncan, Harold, Justin, Katie, Lindsay, Noah, Owen, Trent, Sadie, Staci

_The Catchers in the Rye: _Beth, Brick, Bridgette, Cody, DJ, Jo, Leshawna, Mike, Sam, Sierra, Tyler, Zoey

**Eliminated Campers:**

Scott, Ezekiel


End file.
